Releasing Whatevers
Posted at 09:45 AM

I've made many pen names for myself, schizoavoidant being the most prominent and favorite among these.

A month ago or so, I have come around to fashioning myself a new one, which was the element Lithium, simply because I liked it and how it sounded. I had no background of this element apart from the fact that it was number three in the periodic table.

Scanning a book called Prozac Nation a few weeks ago, however, I came to find that lithium was a rather powerful anti-depressant.

Isn't that just so lovely and apt.

**

I have been very confused. Life hasn't been treating me unfairly, but everything's just been so cluttered and messy. From being that messy pack rat, literally and figuratively, I have now come to hate disorganization.

If you had seen my room once, come back and be surprised. Be very surprised.

Ooh. Yet another change in me. Happy now?

**

I can't tell.

It's as simple as that.

But perhaps that fact enough is all you need to know to piece together something.

**

If we were any slower, we'd be going backwards.

You make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

You're one in a million.

You make me see life in a new perspective.

A brain and a half would grant one the power of flight.

These are the quotable words of.. er, wisdom written on my bag by various people during two incredibly long talks yesterday. Ah, yes. See where sheer boredom gets you.

**

I hate pig-headed, control-freak fatsos who indeed look like, well, pigs. But no, even pigs are cuter than this bastard.

Enough said about that. You know who I'm referring to now.

Of Disabled Expression
Posted at 08:36 PM

What is there to hide? What is there to be kept a secret, to be kept a clandestine affair, to be hidden away from the rest of the world? What is there to hide - or rather, why hide?

On the other hand, what is there to show? What is there to boast of, to be proud of, to be worthy of showing and flaunting? Was there ever anything, really?

I know there's something. I just don't know what it is or if it even still exists. I don't know if what I have in my life now is but a mere memory of how things once were, a mere passing shadow of a past I sometimes wish I still live in. I can't distinguish the fine line between the past and the present, reality and fantasy, and a dream and a nightmare, anymore. Hell, I think that line dissolved itself the past weeks, leaving all these contrasting facets blend together into one detrimental mixture, harmful and painful to the merest touch.

I've been sinking into this hellish quagmire and don't feel a thing. Perhaps indifference and numbness is but the first phase of my doom. Insensitivity and numbness must be better than feeling all kinds of things.

I hate disappointment. I'd take pain over any given time. But then, pain usually follows up my hatest sensation, and it follows it up in triple loads.

I can't even express myself anymore.

Of Delving Into the Unknown (Prose)
Posted at 06:53 PM

She began to see the sun rising as she sat on the shores of the sea. She was slightly startled at the sight of it, not realizing how shrouded and engrossed she was in the darkness of the night.

Her skin prickled like it would in the cold as the sun's unfamiliar first rays touched her. She did not feel quite used to it, not after her spell in the dark and cold, and it brought her this painful warmth she tried hard to ignore and brush off - but just couldn't.

She wondered what was wrong with her. Had she not prayed for this moment to come? Had she not hoped for a miracle? Did she not pray for the sun to come up and take her from the dark world she immersed herself in? She had wanted these many hours to feel the rays of it. She wanted the physical manifestations of warmth stopping her from being completely cold and indifferent; wanted the representations of sanctuary and salvation.

Yet why did she turn from it, now that it has come? Why did she feel the stinging pain as the heat seared through her? Why was she hesitant, dubious, and scared? What was the matter with her?

Then it hit her.

She just needed time to get used to it. Time to relearn how to properly feel. Time to accept. Time to leave the past of the night. Time to look ahead, come what may. Time to move on to a new day.

And so taking a step into the sunlit shores, she did.